surviving january

I haven't written since my October ultramarathon. I was coasting along, taking a bit of a sabbatical from training and the vigilance that it requires. I resumed training after a few weeks and then the Wednesday before Thanksgiving came along and I started on another medical journey with my mom. Oh the things I learn from being on this road with her! Why is it that during times of stress when we most need to do the things to take care of ourselves, we forget to do so? I had a difficult time finding the time, space and energy to exercise, eat well, sleep enough and meditate. My mom and I covered new, difficult territory around creating boundaries and balancing choices to take care of ourselves and others. It is sometimes difficult - or rather, gut-wrenching - to be honest with the ones we love. We both do the best we can and are buoyed by those around us. In mid-January, my mom finally had the last procedure of what began in November and felt relief from her pain for the first time since then. It was a relief for us both and I was grateful. 

Then began the matter of surviving the rest of January. January - bitter cold, dark, a month that is supposed to be filled with new promises, but I still felt bogged down. The thing that was weighing heavily on me was the number of unexpected deaths of parents in my town in January alone. Five parents in their 40's and 50's died unexpectedly either from unknown causes or car accidents; one of them was a father of Brea's friend. Then Casey and I got into a minor car accident where I was taken by ambulance to the emergency room and then released that night. Events such as these force you to stop and reflect, to recalibrate. This month, more than ever, before I parted from my children when dropping them off at school or their dad's or wherever, I paused with them and told them, "Look into my eyes. I love you!" I'm making more of an effort not to take our time together and our futures for granted. I suppose this is a great gift I was given in these bittersweet, dark, cold days of January. 

It is February 1st. The sun is shining brightly and it is a relatively warm 30 degrees out this morning. I am turning my attention to resolutions - continuing my fledgling martial arts training that was sidelined in these last nine months by illnesses, procedures, life events and other training; not committing to any endurance events so that I can create more time and space to be more spontaneous, adventurous and giving to myself and to others; and working on my mind and my mindfulness practice, which is actually an endurance event of another kind. In the words of Herbie Hancock, I will try to "have the courage to be vulnerable enough to explore the stuff (I) don't know." I will try to learn what it takes to do the things I need to take care of myself during times of stress and to dig deep into the stuff that makes me most vulnerable. Only in this way will I be able to be fully present and helpful to others. 

I'll end with this image taken by Deanna of Tina and I summiting Mount Greylock on New Year's Eve Day. This was our second annual New Year's Eve Day hike after summiting Mount Monadnock on New Year's Eve Day 2012. It is an interesting way to end one year and to begin another - to cover territory that many don't choose to on that particular day of the year, to commit, to persevere, to dig deep, to adhere hand warmers to your underwear, to eat cold pizza in a cold hut at the top of a mountain :)

Mt Greylock Summit | December 31, 2013

Wishing you the best in your adventures this year!