breathing in, breathing out

I woke yesterday thinking that I'd make the most of the beautiful, sunny, 70 degree Sunday by taking my bike out for a training ride after church and work (I'm training for a June triathlon. I'll write more about that adventure later!). The ride didn't happen. Instead, I received some lessons on breathing.

With a comforting yet slyly teasing smile, Reverend Dr. Thandeka told our congregation yesterday morning, "I promise that you will breathe in this week and not feel inspired; keep breathing." I so often focus on my breath while running, biking, swimming and meditating. I instruct others to focus on their breath with the words, "breathing in, breathing out." At church yesterday our congregation collectively focused on our breath. Breathing is a natural, simple act and a powerful tool of focus and connection, but it is not always easy.

I left church and Reverend Dr. Thandeka's timely lesson on mindful breathing to teach my first private mindfulness lesson with a seven year old boy. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with him sitting outside on a basketball court, focusing on our posture and, yes, our breathing. We both felt calm. I returned home, donned my bike gear and was eager to continue riding this wave of calm when my mom called. She was having trouble breathing. We knew the drill. We headed to the emergency room.  

While waiting for treatment, helplessly watching my mom gasp, and listening to her struggle to tell me she felt like she was drowning, I breathed... and I did not feel inspired. I felt worried, sad, frustrated, confused, helpless. I shared the morning's sermon with my mother and she so wisely responded, "How can you not feel inspired if you can breathe?" Yes! There she was again - my insightful, resilient mother teaching me in her moments of struggle. I breathed again and I kept breathing - easily, gratefully. And then I worked on my patience, on letting go of my worry, sadness, frustration, confusion and helplessness - too-familiar feelings that I have experienced so many times with my mother over the last 30 years of many hospital emergency rooms, hallways, beds, doctors and nurses across Oklahoma, Kansas, Minnesota and Massachusetts.

Again, I slowly, reluctantly drove away from a hospital where my mom was staying. Again, I was feeling a bit lost and not knowing exactly what to do. My older brother called from Oklahoma as I pulled into my driveway. My brother with whom my mom and I had just reunited in October after 15 years. My big brother... He has not been on this journey with my mom. His has been a different one. We lost many years together. And yet he knew what to say as he learned in just a few short minutes of many of the struggles my mom has had with her health. He knew to say, "I'm sorry that you have been doing this alone for so long." I finally cried. I felt the gift of being heard, of this connection with my big brother who had been gone for so long. I breathed.

My mom, brother and I reunited after 15 years | Broken Arrow, OK | October 2012

stepping out of my comfort zone

After many years of taking on adventures to challenge myself and to take me out of my comfort zone, I finally decided to begin writing about it. If I would have started this blog when I was a bit younger, I could have already written about the things that appeared to some as easy, but were not. Mostly these were physical challenges - marathons; triathlons; a 1.2 mile open water swim; a Century Ride (a 100 mile bike ride); a 13 mile, mountainous obstacle course race; a 200 mile relay; a 61-flight stair climb and numerous, smaller road races in between. Some equally demanding events were more a challenge of my mind and spirit. These events may not be significant accomplishments or challenging for some, but they were for me.

Stepping outside of my comfort zone has often meant choosing to do an event that I was not sure I could do, that would make me nervous and, sometimes, fearful. Over the years people (especially my mother who increasingly believes I am not related to her!) have asked why I continually push myself to do more. I answer that I enjoy seeing what I am capable of physically as a way to strengthen my mind and my soul, to take advantage of and express my gratitude for the physical body I have been given, and to set an example for my children of overcoming obstacles with hard work and creating a sense of pride and accomplishment. My goal is not to become the best athlete, but rather to keep pushing my own limits and finding my own personal best. My young son once excitedly asked me after a race, "Did you win?" I answered with a smile, "I never win, but sometimes I beat myself."

I am a reluctant blogger. I am not blogging because I think that my story is so unique, my adventures are so great or my writing is so good. I am writing mostly to document my sense of adventure for my children. I am blogging now because I've recently been inspired - before and after this week's Boston Marathon bombings - to once again step outside of my comfort zone and take on some new challenges. As someone wrote to me in a running group today, "Life is too short not to act on inspirations!" Maybe, in turn, I will inspire others to do more than they thought they were capable of and, as a result, learn how strong they really are. If I don't, that's fine too. Sometimes life hands us challenges from which we must learn and grow, other times we must seek out our own adventures.

Pema Chodron, a mom, ordained nun, author and teacher in the Shambhala Buddhist lineage writes, "Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth." So, despite my fears, I will continue to find ways to step outside of my comfort zone, to challenge myself and to move closer to my truth.

Follow this AdventurHER and see what adventure she takes on next!

Volunteer at B.A.A. 5K and Invitational Mile | Boston, MA | April 14, 2013